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Saved by the Bell: No Hope with Dope By: PoisonRamune, the Apathetic Lizardman I’ve already mentioned before that the only show I watch on TV is Saved by the Bell. Though I said that Mystery Weekend is my favorite episode; No Hope with Dope holds a near equally high spot on my Saved by the Bell rankings. Mostly because it has a cameo by my favorite teen movie/show character, Marijuana. Just in case you’re slow, No Hope with Dope was one of those “very special episodes” which were quite common place in the American teen sitcoms during the 90’s.
The story starts out at Bayside High School on a typical day of school. The day is so typical that Zack refers to the drab miasma as “the mid-semester blues.” However, in true Saved by the Bell foreshadowing the gang is informed by Lisa, the original gossip girl that a limousine has just pulled up to the school. Enter Johnny Dakota (played by Tiffani Amber Theissen’s boyfriend at the time, Eddie Garcia). Johnny was a stereotypical actor in his 20’s still playing the role of a high school student (such as his leading role in the infamous “Skateboard High” and “Freeway Warrior”). Johnny alerts Mr. Belding and Zack that the production company Johnny works for wants to film a “Say NO to drugs” commercial at a local California school. Zack then gives Johnny and his director a tour around the campus in an effort to persuade Johnny into picking Bayside for the commercial. During the tour Johnny is conveniently introduced to the gang, ending in a terrible rap performed by the cast and Johnny’s meeting with Kelly. Johnny’s penchant for under 18 old girls gets the better of him and he decides to film at Bayside upon seeing Kelly in a bright orange tube dress (can you blame the guy? Kelly was mad hot during the senior year season).
The subsequent scenes are about Johnny’s rapidly developing relationship with Kelly. Sometimes I wish I was a big Hollywood stars, so my cheesy pick up lines would warrant a playful “Rob cut it out, you’re making me blush” rather than “That’s borderline creepy, sweetie.” Lines such as “This is you right here ::points to a storyboarded stick figure:: but I’d say you have nicer curves.” Actually, if my life worked remotely close to Saved by the Bell, I think I could effectively be more pimp than a Persian. Back at Bayside High, Zack and Screech are looking for ways to make money off of Johnny’s fame. Selling Johnny Dakota souvenirs such as doorknobs he’s touched and even a pair of sunglasses Screech swiped, Zack is then busted by Principal Belding for exploiting the school’s guest. Just as Zack’s about to get his daily does of detention, Johnny comes and saves the day. At this point Johnny becomes like a white Stefan Urquelle, where not only is he a hit with the ladies. He’s also a friend to the fellows. Later in the day Slater expresses his jealous distrust for Johnny. After a few minutes in the bathroom the boys suddenly smell some pot, after searching around for a brief second they find a finger sized roach near the toilets. This brings up 2 epic questions. How does it take someone 2-3 minutes to smell pot that’s been smoked inside an enclosed room? And what self respecting drug user leaves almost a joint’s worth of weed in a roach before tossing it out? Just as Slater picks up the reefer, Johnny appears asking a concerned “What’s going on here guys?” The show then appropriately goes to commercial leaving you in suspense for the next 3 minutes (if you’re stoned, it feels like they make you wait for about 10 minutes). The scene devolves into a benign exchange of “Well, if you guys say you don’t blaze, I trust you. Say, do you want to be in the commercial with Kelly and me?” After the weed incident, Johnny gathers the gang and few recognizable extras for a round table discussion about drug abuse. Cleverly disguised as the “moral of the story” the kids share stories of how drugs had affected their lives and the lives of the people they cared about. Jessie spoke of her No-Doze dependency, some random girl talked about how her brother was ambiguously crippled by using drugs at the beach, and Slater mentioned Len Bias dying of a cocaine overdose (because all Slater cares about is sports). The guys go back to the bathroom to find Troy Froman (who played a leather wearing punker named Scud rather than Ox the dimwitted lineman) smoking a cigarette. The guys wrongly assume he’s the one blazing and after realizing their mistake they have the gall to stomp out his cancer stick, telling him they know what’s best for the students. Not only is the gang some sort of band of gods in teenage bodies, they’re now a group of health Nazis telling everyone around them how to live. The day transitions to the evening at Johnny Dakota’s house party, thus making this one of the longest days in Saved by the Bell history. The party scene strangely parallels another Saved by the Bell episode “The Zack Attack” in which the gang is at another Hollywood party schmoozing with the stars. In fact, both parties take place on the same set, which is often why I confuse the events of the parties with one another. As the party starts to die down, Screech hurts himself and the rest of the gang sans Kelly escort him home. As soon as the gang leaves, a random extra with an unlit joint comes “blazing” into the scene. Johnny takes an unconvincing toke from it and attempts to pass it to Kelly, who in turn “just says no.” While everyone is still toking Zack walks in and is shocked to find Johnny getting high. Zack and Kelly promptly leave the party, leaving more weed for Johnny and friends. The following day the kids walk out on the commercial shoot and inform Mr. Belding of Johnny’s misdeeds. After talking about the situation with the gang, Mr. Belding reveals that he knows someone who can get the commercial made at Bayside without Johnny. The late Brandon Tartikoff then makes a cameo appearance on the show as the new guest in the anti-drug commercial. After filming the commercial Brandon and Mr. Belding go on to explain that they were actually really good friends back in school and secretly wanted each other’s job. I gotta ask, if Mr. Belding knew the president of NBC for the last 20 some ought years, why didn’t he just ask Brandon Tartikoff to do the commercial in the beginning? Why did these kids have to go through all that with that dank smoking child molester, Johnny? The world may never know. But that’s what makes a Saved by the Bell story so great, the puzzling predictability of it all. Cue jazzer-rock riff! Link to Video This Time, The Guy Wouldn't Allow Embedding
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