The Top 5 Things Not to Buy a Gamer

By: PoisonRamune, the Apathetic Lizardman

Many times while I’m in the game store I see these confused parents, grandparents and significant others frantically searching for a gift they can get their special gamer. And more often than not, I see them making their way to the registers with a very mediocre product. This really breaks my heart; not only is that gamer going to be disappointed when they open up that gift, but also the one giving the gift will forever be known as “that idiot who gives out crappy gifts.”

This article is here to end those awkward gift situations. But rather than give a guide of what you should buy, we thought it best to show you some products that you should avoid like the plague.

I know what you’re thinking. What good is this article if you already play games and know what’s hot? Well, what if you were to forward this article to your sister who doesn’t play games; don’t you think that might raise the chances you getting something you actually might want? Or what if you left this article open on your girlfriend’s computer while you stepped out to smoke and she read it? I’m sure you get the point.

Enough talk, let’s look at those crappy gift ideas.

"Yeah! Just what I always wanted to get into, but never had the money for... That Christian CCG! You really know that stuff I like, Uncle Dan."

5) Miniatures and collectible card game booster packs for games that the person doesn’t own – It’s nice that you understand we’re nerds and like nerd toys. But don’t buy someone Yu-Gi-Oh cards when they play Magic the Gathering. And worse yet don’t say “I thought they were the same thing.” That just proves you don’t listen to what people say. I’ll admit, miniatures are a little harder to identify what game they come from, since nearly every one of them looks like some pewter/plastic demon or soldier. Plus, a lot of times tabletop gamers will get creative and make a Dark Lord out of a Skeleton Knight, so you might just luck out there.

"Bigger may be better... Too bad, all that gaming has left our wieners flaccid as wilting flowers."

4) Video game related undergarments – I like my NES controller boxers. In fact, if I were the type of man that wore underwear, I’d be wearing these things daily (which may be worse than 365 days of “free balling”). However, I know my chances of getting sex would greatly diminish if I we to ever be seen wearing those on a date. I mean, the only people I’d care to show my underwear to is my doctor and my lady; and both of them aren’t into video games. One exception to this is the NES controller underwear for her. If my lady were to just show up one night wearing those under her sundress as some sexy present; I’d probably melt before I could even touch those action buttons. But if you really want to get someone some game related apparel, I’d suggest T-shirts. Kohl’s actually has a pretty nice line of Nintendo shirts, so you don’t even need to go where the pariah’s go to get your gamer a gift.

"First of all, digital pets are deader than Christopher Reeves. Second, why make a $30 game based on a $7 toy?"

3) Games based on other games – This one is hard to explain so let me give you a couple examples: Tamagotchi DS and Monopoly for the Wii. These types of games are really pointless, why would you make someone boot up a console for a game that was made to be stand alone in the first place? Save yourself $20-30 and just by that gamer a real Monopoly set. The only exceptions to this I can see are the Clubhouse Games and Touchmaster series on the DS, since they’re very standard board game collections with online and single card download play as an option. You never have to worry about not having a human opponent to play against.

"If I wanted stupid clips for my Wiimote or stupid add-ons that make my controller clunkier than it should be; I'd already have spent the $10 to do so."

2) Video game accessories – Do you know why I don’t have that holder on the back of my classic controller? It’s stupid and not worth the $10 price tag. Accessories are the gifts non-gamers with no money give out. Can’t afford $30 for a DS game? Just get them a $10 pack of styluses. Honestly, if you’re going to get us a bunch of add-on stuff we never wanted to begin with. Please don’t bother with the present. I mean, even unemployed Ron can afford a pack of PSP game cases for himself. However, a lot of the high end game accessories are really cool (like the cockpit controller for Steel Battalion). Unfortunately, that type of stuff is generally more expensive than the games themselves.

"If you love your kids... Don't buy them games like this. Take in interest in what your kid likes to do or their quirks and find a game that works with that. There's no shame in telling a game store clerk 'My kid is a complete spaz and likes karate/kung-fu type stuff. What type of game is good for that little turd?"

1) Budget games or games with a cartoon/movie/TV show license – Just because your daughter likes Hannah Montana doesn’t mean she’ll eat up that piece of trash Hannah Montana game and call it ice cream (well, she might. But then you should check if she has some sort of problem with her cognitive reasoning). And just because Sponge Bob Squarepants is a genius cartoon, doesn’t mean that Drawn to Life with Sponge Bob is even a decent game. While many gamers know this fact, most non-gamers don’t. Licensed games are normally mediocre games that are thrown together just to make sales based on franchise recognition (with the exceptions of Batman NES, the TMNT arcade games, The Simpsons arcade game, and Transformers DS). On a similar note, don’t go digging through the budget bin for gifts if you’re not a gamer. The rule of thumb is as follows “those games are cheap for a reason… They’re bad/unsellable games!” However, sometimes you get lucky and find Tony Hawk’s Proving Ground and Elite Beat Agents for $10 each at Best Buy. Most of the time you’re getting a half rate game at the price it should have been at launch, cheap as free.

Back to Articles
Home