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Jack Off the Wall By: PoisonRamune, the Apathetic Lizardman It’s been over a week since Michael Jackson has passed away. Through his 4 decades of entertaining we’ve not only gotten to know him as an entertainer, but also in a personal way as well. More often than not, Michael has been portrayed as a bit eccentric if not out-right crazy by the media. It came to the point where the public expected some sort of circus like drama or bizarre situation related to the king of pop whenever he was reported on. After his death the torrents of strange stories and lore regarding Michael and his personal life still trickled in (perhaps even more so, since he’s no longer able to speak out against them); from the alleged romantic relationship he was said to have with his children’s nanny to strange discoveries about habits and private life found out through his autopsy, Jacko lore still remains in the lime light. It’s time to throw our hat in the ring. Mostly because I think I have a knack for predicting the future and also because I do really like the weird urban myths and outlandish rumors regarding Michael Jackson’s life. So without further ado I present to you: The Top 5 Bizarre Michael Jackson Post-Death Events Predictions (That Might Actually Happen)
5) Joe Jackson seeks nullification of Michael Jackson’s will: This one isn’t very far fetched. In fact, this one is probably going to happen in the near future. In Michael Jackson’s last will and testament, the entertainer wished to leave most of his assets to his mother and his children with the rest going to charity. Unsurprisingly, his father Joe is left out of the document. However, Joe Jackson is a man with no scruples. Not only does that idiot plug his new record label days after his son’s death when doing a tribute speech in light of Michael’s death, he also seemed like he never really cared about Michael and saw him more as some sort of get rich quick component (however, I only say this based on what I’ve seen during that Jackson 5 special they show on VH1). It doesn’t really surprise me that Michael chose not to leave anything to Joe Jackson, I’m sure Joe was surprised (he seems like really a stupid guy). That guy really comes off as some sort of money grubbing bastard.
4) The remaining members of the Jackson 5 (and possibly Janet and LaToya) do a tribute/comeback concert/tour: Let’s do some simple logic here. Up until his death Michael Jackson was still making money based on his talent (even though he was spending almost every check before it was signed, but that’s not the point). His siblings (aside from Janet) haven’t done anything in the entertainment field for at least 15 years (I’m being generous here and counting the time Tito was managing his one hit wonder sons). In fact, I had heard somewhere that the other Jackson brothers would near constantly beg Michael to do a Jackson 5 comeback tour. Needless to say, Michael never agreed and his brothers (and LaToya) continued to fall into obscurity. Now with Michael dead, what better reason is there for the Jackson 5 to get back together and capitalize on their dead brother’s songs and fame? I’ve only included Janet in this prediction because I feel the brothers are going to need a more solid star to headline them (she probably can sing in Michael’s childhood voice range), since no one is really interested in: Tito, Marlon, Jackie, Jermaine, and/or Randy (or LaToya) on their own anyhow.
3) Neverland Lost: Shortly after Michael’s death, it was reported that a bunch of earth moving/construction vehicles brought to Michael’s former home, the Neverland Valley Ranch. This obviously means only 2 things, they’re either tearing it down or they’re building it up. A very stupid and naïve part of me wants to believe that they’re going to turn it into a sort of Gracelandesque tourist museum. However, costing nearly 10 million dollars to operate annually (as it was, not how much it would cost to keep it as a fully staffed museum and theme park), I just can’t see how keeping it open would work. Add to the fact that the neighboring residents around the estate are greatly opposed to opening it to the public. I really can’t see anything other than the demolition of Michael’s extravagant former home.
2) Other people claiming to be the parent’s of Michael’s 3 children: This speculation is mostly based on that weird paternity drama surrounding Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Though it goes without saying that Anna Nicole was passed around more than a bong in a college dorm room, I still think that some random guy is going to step up and say he donated sperm to Debbie Rowe for Michael. Let’s be real here, Prince Michael Jr does not look like he has a fraction of black in him. Paris Jackson does look like she might possibly be Michael’s daughter, but only in a small percentage of the time. And most of that may have to do with photo lighting. Honestly, I don’t think anyone even knows where Michael’s youngest child came from. And with a good chunk of Michael’s assets going to his children, now might be a good time for “the real father” to say hello to those long lost kids (and just because Michael died in depth doesn’t mean his name’s not making money. In fact, he’s generating more money now, since he’s not alive to spend it). So it would make sense that some idiot out there might come out of the woodwork telling the world that Michael’s kids are their kids. I wouldn’t even be that shocked if some lady makes the same claim, since I have read that at least one of his children may have been from an egg donor.
1) The Los Angeles based memorial and funeral service goes off without incident: I don’t like saying something bad’s going to happen, but these things just love to happen. But wouldn’t it be great if Michael Jackson’s funeral went off without a hitch? Wouldn’t it be amazing if people listened to the city officials and actually stayed at home if they don’t have admission to the funeral? Knowing LA that probably won’t happen; I can near guarantee that’s not going to happen. Realistically, I’m banking on my commute to work to be doubled because of some moronic “Michael riot” occurring near the Staples Center (at the very least). Had Michael’s funeral been in his birthplace of Gary, Indiana, I might have ranked this a bit lower on the list. However, in LA you can’t blink without something messing up. Add this factor to all the regular incident attracting fodder that would go along with an event such as this (a large list of big name celebrities, thousands of idiots gathering in one place, etc) and you got a recipe for disaster. Still there’s still a possibility that nothing but the planned event takes place and everyone goes about their day afterwards. I mean, we saw that miracle last month with the Laker parade (didn’t we?).
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