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Transformers: Movie Review By: Josh Adachi There is a scene in Transformers: the Movie in which the Autobots hide from human protagonist, Sam's, parents in the front yard. Somehow, whenever the father character looks out the window, he fails to see them despite the fact that the Transformers are two stories tall and their cherry paint jobs are glowing in the moonlight. Visually, it's an enchanting scene; the Autobots' shimmering, poly-geometric forms come into sharp relief with soft, suburban surrounding. But what I loved about this scene was the way it describes my relationship with the Transformers. The father is not visually impaired, however he fails to see- to comprehend, the Transformers; they have no context within his reality. He is looking for a cat, a burglar, or some drunk teenagers to explain the racket outside, and thus sees straight past the godlike machines crushing his lawn flamingos. Likewise, it's not really as if I had completely forgotten about the Transformers, or any of the other Japanese inspired robot-violence of my childhood, it's just that they ceased to make any sense in context of the suburban civility that would increasingly consume my life. Although the very idea of bipedal, wrestling cars should stand out like stalagmites on an otherwise pedestrian mind, I found myself turning a cerebral blind eye to my former heroes. Thankfully, our collective subconscious could not ignore the concept of intergalactic fighting robots forever. For there is something deeply entertaining about seeing a robot punch another robot in the face. In order to give this review an air of authenticity, I will attempt to recapitulate the plot, although I'm almost certain it doesn't matter. Virtuous, self-conscious robots, the Autobots are in an intergalactic race with their amoral counterparts, the Decepticons, for a cube that creates synthetic life, which will save (yawn), their home planet, Cybertron, unless the Decepticons get it first, in which case they will use it to (groan) enslave the universe. Decepticon leader, Megatron has been trapped on earth, and has unbewittingly (and unfortunately) incorporated human Sam Whitwicky (played by whatsisname) into the plot by etching a map to the Cube into a pair of eyeglasses that were passed down as heirlooms (please make it stop) through the Witwicky family tree. Some other stuff happens that involves top levels of government, an unlikely pair of computer wizards, the girl of your dreams, a heroic band of Marines and Bernie Mac. To summarize a summary, the filmmakers bend over backwards to splice as many "human" elements into the film as possible, delivering what may be the most exhaustive amalgamation of movieland archetypes ever put to film. The film practically pummels us with human characters in what seems to be a concerted attempt to keep the robot characters from ever becoming "people". Fortunately, the type-casting on the humans is done well enough that we really don't need exposition on any of the characters in order to feel that we know them and love them. Unfortunately (for me at least), the onslaught of human sub-plotlines relegates the Autobots to not much more than vastly amusing set-pieces. Take into account the robots' faces. The filmmakers have rendered the robots' to look almost anonymous. While they are still color coded, both Autobots and Decepticons have faces so needlessly complex that I wasn't able to process them as individual identities. Furthermore, the Autobot with the most screen time, Bumblebee, is inexplicably stripped of his ability to talk, making his character read on-screen as more of a super-car then a character. This allows for a certain plot point that otherwise would not make sense: Bumblebee, by controlling the music that plays in his stereo, actively tries to get Sam and his love interest to make out INSIDE his own body. This level of voyeurism is only acceptable because the audience does not register Bumblebee as a truly autonomous individual (pun-type-thing not intended). Despite its lack of depth, the movie is not without its artistic merits, as some scenes (perhaps accidentally) arrive at something of a "new-modern" aesthetic. The scene in which a police car transforms into a metallic humanoid beast, then pins down Sam and demands his chat handle, vividly recalls a nightmare I've probably never had. Also, just that watching vehicles turn into robots could be considered enjoyable (and how!), calls for some new category of entertainment. I can see it now: "You're watching the stuff turning into robots network." And so, in the Summer of 2007 we were treated to this sitcom-thin, sci-fi rinsed, not entirely unenjoyable, coming of age tale, culminate into the some of the greatest special effects sequences ever seen: jet-Decepticon, Starscream, transforming midflight to machine gun down F-16s only to morph back into a jet for a barrel-roll; a green eyed robot strafing on a city crosswalk while lobbing missiles into a makeshift barricade; Optimus Prime getting punched in the face. These golden moments aside, is this the Transformers movie I would have made? Heck no. Even the most casual fans of the series would have had Optimus Prime and Megatron center-screen, smoke and chaos swirling around them in slow-motion as they exchanged good vs. evil platitudes. Would that have been a better movie? Probably. However, we probably wouldn't be watching that movie in a theater full of regular people of all ages, and all of whom are earnestly enjoying an intergalactic robot war. Sure, Transformers: The Movie is a watered down version of the original concept, but that's what that just proves that the idea holds up. This movie gives my generation the chance to say "we told you so" and that weird japanesey kid shows from our youth can be every bit as fun and dumb as a modern day action comedy. Trust me, that's a good thing. The last thing anybody needs is a VOLTRON trilogy filmed in New Zealand with meticulous attention to the original screenplay. We just need some robots holding laser guns to tell us, "yes, your childhood really happened, and yes, everything's going to be alright."
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