2009 "10 Worst Toys" List with Commentary (pt 1)

By: PoisonRamune, the Apathetic Lizardman

Every year around Christmas time some weird watchdog group, WATCH (World Against Toys Causing Harm) comes up with a list of the top 10 most dangerous toys of the year. While the thought of a child being killed or injured by one of their toys is pretty tragic, the fear mongering and alarmist nature of the website is actually pretty hilarious. Though some of these toys are potentially life threatening and have very good reason to be on a site like this, quite a few of these toys are no more dangerous than a paddle ball set or Crocodile Dentist (that “Operation” style board game with the crocodile head that would chomp on kids’ fingers).

In this article, I won’t be listing out what WATCH said about each toy, but you can check it out for yourself here. Mostly because this gets a little repetitive seeing as the toys make it on the list due to: choking hazards (small parts), strangulation risks (long cords/strings), poisoning risk (toxic dyes or components), potential to cut oneself (pointed corners/sharp edges), and blunt force trauma risk.

"I like how this toy has seemingly nothing to do with Wall-E aside from the Wall-E eyes on the top of the packaging"

Disney-Pixar Wall-E Foam Rocket Launcher
This is basically a Stomp Rocket, which coincidently was listed as a dangerous toy about 6 years ago. They’re pretty much a hollowed out rocket resting snugly on a hollow tube that’s attached to small bellows. Pumping the bellows builds air pressure in the tube which in turn causes to the rocket to go flying off into wild blue yonder or some bratty kid’s face. I can see how Stomp Rockets posed a problem, as they were solidly sturdy and had the potential to travel 200 feet into the air with an angry stomp. However, the Wall-E rocket only travels a mere 20 feet making it weaker than most Nerf guns on the market now. My suggestion would be to build your own Stomp Rocket set (which you can do for about $3 here); and then take the $7 you save from not buying the Wall-E Rocket and put it towards your kid’s next emergency room visit after he does some real damage with those homemade rockets. I’d also try to work on updating your kid’s style if they’re still really in love with Wall-E after a year and a half (especially since Up was a much better movie too).

"I bet you this thing is a lot more stable than the single ball one I had."

Moon Board Pogo Board
I’ve actually hurt myself on one of these types of toys before. I used to have a similar type toy back when I was 8 or so; however, mine looked like Saturn being that it only had a single ball wedged in a plastic ring. I remember spastically jumping on my pogo ball one Saturday morning while watching TV, slipping off of it and landing face first into my parents’ coffee table. This is actually why my right front tooth sits a little higher than my left tooth, as I literally took a chomp at the table. Even though I did hurt myself with this toy as a kid, I must say that it’s not more dangerous than a bike. In fact, the bike is probably more dangerous since you can travel as fast a car in some cases. I mean, had I not been dancing around on that toy like some cracked out ape, I probably wouldn’t have fallen. I’ve never seen or heard of some sort of consumer group trying to pull bikes and rollerskates (or rollerblades, if you’re some douchebag at the beach or dyke) off the shelves because some kid tried to do something stupidly daring while riding and got hurt from it.

"The whole problem with this book could have been averted by simply sitting down with baby and reading the book to them."

Curious Baby Curious George Counting - My First Book of Numbers
Apparently, WATCH claims that the rattle/abacus tube in the middle of the book can become detached and poses a choking hazard for babies. While that dowel and the beads are small enough for baby to choke on, I really want to know how a baby is going to be breaking that plastic tube. From what I remember working at my old church’s nursery and dealing with younger relatives, babies are pretty weak and probably couldn’t bust that tube without a great deal of effort. Even if they did break that tube, I’d be more concerned with the plastic shards that would be in child’s crib, not only posing a choking hazard but also runs the risk of being accidentally ingested and causing damage to the child’s internal organs. Perhaps the baby could soften the cardboard pages of the book by gnawing and suckling on it, eventually weakening it to the point where the tube would just come loose. Even then, I’d be more worried the child having some sort of reaction to the printing inks. But I guess that’s what makes this Curious George book so dangerous; your baby could kill itself in a million different ways while trying to kill itself with the metal dowel and those beads.

"This toy is obviously made for adults and teens to display this in their bedrooms and offices, not for some 5 year old to run around the house with."

Batman Dark Knight Figure
When I was in junior high one of my friends with severe anger management issues stabbed another kid with a mechanical pencil in the middle of class. A couple days after the incident we had a school wide assembly that not only talked about controlling our emotions in some super preachy way, but also laid out a revised school policy on what would be considered a weapon. According to the way the new rules were written, pretty much everything was considered a weapon. Obviously, non-wooden pencils were considered stabbing weapons, but even our school books could have been considered to be a club if you wanted to read into the rules too deeply. It was ridiculous, but showed me that people would rather blame something for their problems rather than try to actively remedy their problems with reform. I really feel as if this is what’s going on with the Batman toy here. Sure, Batman’s cowl does have the ear points and they may puncture the child’s skin, but from my experience nearly every action figure has some sort of pointed protrusion. Boba Fett has that phallic thing coming out of his backpack, my Bionic Commando action figure has the spikes jutting out of his bionic arm, and even my Venom bobble-head doll has hard spikes in the form of symbiote tendrils.

"Funny how people get shocked over the fact that something involving Wolverine would potentially be harmful. The guy's most notable super power are the claws poking out of his forearms."

X-Men Origins Slashin’ Action Wolverine
It’s basically the same issue as with the Batman toy; just replace the word ear with claw. But instead of me skipping over this one, let me talk to you about X-Men Origins: Wolverine a little more. I forgot to mention in my review of that gawd awful piece of trash that the game is very linear. It’s almost like Super Mario Bros in terms of how linear it is. The problem with Wolverine is that once you reach a checkpoint the furthest you can backtrack in a game is to your most recent checkpoint. This wouldn’t be so bad if the game didn’t have collectible items (most of which are actual power ups). It makes branching paths nerve wrecking; since you know if you take the wrong path, you’ve basically missed out on an item for good (except for maybe 3-4 instances where you can actually double back as part of an escape scene or rescue mission). Add to the fact that a good number of the achievements are collectible item based and you’ll sadly find yourself playing this game more than you’d have liked, if you’re some sort of collectible addict/completionist.

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