2009 "10 Worst Toys" List with Commentary (pt 2)

By: PoisonRamune, the Apathetic Lizardman

After a nice little break, we’re back to do the toy commentary. If you haven’t read the first article (and you really should), this is basically a commentary of a commentary on toys that are potentially hazardous to children. While a few of these have a valid reasons for you to be concerned about your children’s safety and health, many of these toys pose no more of a potential threat than a baseball or football. Once again, I won’t be listing out what WATCH (the organization that puts this list out annually) has said about the toys, but I’m sure you can figure out what the concern was based on my commentary and the picture of the toy itself.

So without further, let’s make our way back to the list.

"This is the kind of stuff my drunken aunt would pick up last minute for my sister. I used to get weird gifts like that $20 gift certificate for some steakhouse when I was 9 years old."

Lots to Love Babies - “Mini Nursery”
First of all, the biggest atrocity about this toy is the fact that it looks like something you’d buy as rush gift on Christmas day from either Big Lots or the CVS/Rite Aid toy section. However, believe it or not this toy actually carries a small pocketful of legitimacy by being sold at K-Mart (well, not much more legitimacy). As for the underlying safety issue here, apparently there’s a little plastic faucet head attached to the back of the bathtub by a small string. This really shouldn’t be a problem, since we can easily separate the doll itself from its harmful accessories. But where’s the fun in that? I mean, isn’t the whole reason for getting playsets like this (albeit cheap and of poor quality) so you have all these cute little trinkets and add-ons to play with? Even if you did something logical like taking off the faucet head and string before you gave the toy to your child, it would greatly cut down on the potential fun your kid could be having. Surely, the greatest moments of family bonding are sitting next to your child in the ER telling them that everything is going to be alright, while they have a near death experience. Well, they were for me as a kid.

"I want to know what that horn does. I wonder if it's like a noise maker with presets or something you can actually play."

Just Kidz Junior Musical Instruments
Another choking hazard! Just like the Mini Nursery, this toy has an accessory that’s attached to a string and poses a potential choking risk if it comes loose. I’m going to call bull on this claim for several reasons. First of all, that drumstick is pretty huge. I’d be more worried about a child putting its eye out with that thing (attached or unattached), rather than them choking on it. The thing is about the same size as a ballpoint pen, so I’d be just as equally worried about keeping any writing utensils around your house as I would be giving baby the stupid xylophone. Second, from my experience, babies hate xylophone type toys. My younger sister used to have one as a toddler and would never play with it. In fact, it got to the point where I eventually just took it from her and started trying to play pop songs on the radio with it. I actually got pretty good and at one point was able to play Culture Beat’s Mr. Vain on it. Then again, she might not have liked the xylophone because I was playing with it so much. Though looking back on it all, I’m not too sure, since it’s pretty much become a chicken or the egg situation.

"Are the wheels detachable? Or do you really have to try to break that thing?"

CAT “Rugged Mini”
This poorly made construction truck will eventually start falling apart after some use, leaving a whole slew of potential problems in its wake. The most notable of the problems are the potential choking hazards from the small bearings and potential blunt force trauma risks from the spokes and axels. I find it somewhat ironic that a toy modeled after a heavy piece of construction equipment is one of the flimsiest toys on this list. However, the truck does retail for $5, so I guess the quality issue is to be expected. I find it kind of sad, that not only is CAT going down hill with its actual earth moving equipment, but now their scale represntations are too.

"I heard this was originally going to come with a child's sized martini glass and the Stars Are Blind single."

Pucci Pup - Maltese
While the listed problem with this toy is the long leash that poses a strangulation risk, I’d like to say that the entire concept of this toy is hazardous to a child’s development. If you notice, the toy comes packaged with a bright pink purse/handbag along with the noose and pup. Unless you want you kid to become socialite, bitch toting bitch like Paris Hilton, you may want to think about getting them a different toy this holiday season. Might I suggest buying your child a real dog for Christmas, a very manly dog like an akita. The dog will have too much respect for itself to let your daughter put it in a purse, even as a puppy. Plus, it’s like getting a cool present for yourself as well and you’ll be teaching your kid responsibility through pet ownership. It’s like everyone in the family wins, except for your wife/baby’s mama, since she’ll probably hit the roof when she discovers that you didn’t even ask her opinion about getting the dog (unless, she’s a really cool lady and in that case, I’m breaking you guys up and stealing her away).

"Not only does this toy deserve to be on the list, it deserves to be here for a badassed reason."

Spy Gear VIPER-BLASTER
Now this thing deserves to be on the list! It’s simply amazing! This thing could be used by a 10 year old as a literal bully buster (or bully weapon), since these darts hurt. One of my friend’s younger siblings had a VIPER-BLASTER and I must say even I kind of winced when getting hit by one of those neon green darts (mostly because I wasn’t expecting the dart to be made of heavily compressed foam and PVC). I can imagine this thing causing extreme pain a younger kid if he took the shot anywhere above the shoulders. I could also see this doing eye damage (beyond a black eye) as the site claims if the kid took it right to the eye at point blank range. For us adults, this really is the Nerf/toy dart gun to put your annoying officemate’s rubberband modded Nerf Maverick to shame. The Nerf wars will end after clipping that clown in the cheek with this or giving him a close shot in the gut with is right after lunch. In fact, I think I’m going to drive down to K-Mart to get one.

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