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Just Because It’s Christmas Doesn’t Mean You’re Creative By: Gavin Mooney “It’s the Holiday Season…!” Words that can draw up some idea of Christmas carol or jingle in the head. This holiday season I would like to discuss Christmas jingles in retail stores. Everywhere I go: work, to eat, to drink, and to see movies I am surrounded by Christmas jingles due to the “holiday season.” But I do not think this high demand for Christmas jingles should allow for some of the crap I’ve had to put up with. For instance, some artists have taken upon themselves to “jazz up” or “modernize” old classics in one of the two following ways: One, they take an old song’s beat or rhythm or just simply replay the old song but change all of the words. WHAT THE FUCK? It’s called jingle bells for a reason and your new “much cooler” lyrics would have been awesome if you had just written the song in the first place. If you want to sing the “Twelve Days of Christmas” there better be at least; one: twelve fucking days!, two: Five golden rings, and three: a partridge( which is a bird) in a pear tree. We deserve nothing less. Two, they keep all of a songs lyrics but either speed up, slow down, or replace all together the original song. Again, WHAT THE FUCK? I should not be banging my head away to “Away in a Manger” (No joke, it exists!). And for all you “artists” out there who think “Hey man! Wouldn’t ‘Carol of the Bells’ sound way better if they’d play it like this?” NO, no it wouldn’t. That’s why they wrote it completely the opposite of that. If it sounded like that it never would have been played in the first place; just like your song won’t ever be played again after this holiday season. I hope you had some sort of steady career before Christmas because if some of the crap I’ve had to hear over and over again is any measure of your talent, you won’t have one for much longer. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a die hard “No new Christmas songs!” guy I just don’t want upcoming artists or flash in the pan artists to shit all over my timeless songs. There are a lot of “cover” songs out there by varying artists that are quite complimentary and uplifting and fit quite nicely during the holiday season. Also we can’t forget people who come up with genuine new Christmas songs that for all we know end up in the long list of the old ones. Can’t think of one’s off the top of my head but they’re there. I’ve heard them year after year, they’re there. And finally toys or accessories that play Christmas jingles. Do not make your toy make some annoying noise that sounds like “Jingle Bells” or some other Christmas song. The noise of the thing is bad enough but now I know exactly how long I have to hear it and the words are catchy enough that I’ll keep singing the song in my head but be forced to hear the fucking annoying sound in my head as well. It’s a cruel joked played on us every year. Also refrain from making some animal or character sing a song in a clever or mocking way. Whatever joke you’re trying to make is not funny because it’s annoying and now I hear it over and over and over all day long and it’s just lame as it was before. Now again there are some great fucking Christmas oriented toys or accessories out there that are hilarious and decorative and 100% not annoying. So remember, when buying a Christmas item that makes noise or even a CD ask yourself, do you want to hear that over and over and over for the rest of this month?
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