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Saved by the Bell: 1-900-Crushed By: PoisonRamune, the Apathetic Lizardman I was once told that the key to enjoying Saved by the Bell is the willing suspension of disbelief. This is true in many regards, in that it’s hard to believe that the entire working of some California high school revolves around 6 of the students. While it was so hard for me to believe that the teens just happened to be in every class where something significant/controversial occurred, it was easy for me to see the near deity status of Zack Morris.
For lack of a better analogy, Zack Morris really is the god of Saved by the Bell/Bayside High. He has: the power to freeze time by yelling time out, numerous gadgets and devices that would feasibly cost him and Screech tens of thousands of dollars to own/operate, and a uncanny good sense of timing where even his folly results in some sort of reward. In fact, I can only name 2 instances where Zack has gotten a true pwning. The first is semi-obvious, in the drinking and driving episode Zack gets behind the wheel after getting too wasted (on 1-2 beers, lightweight) and totals Lisa’s mother’s car. The rest of the episode is follows the Three’s Company typical formula in trying to cover up a lie with a bunch of more ridiculous and far fetched lies, leading to a hilarious confession when the main characters are finally caught. I won’t be diving too deeply into this one, since the situation does kind of scare me based on how close it is to my life. Many of you know I drive my car after drinking 1-2 beers and sing Ritchie Valens obnoxiously, so the chance of hitting a telephone pole while “buzzed” is all the more real to me. The incident that I chose is actually a lot more benign than wrecking your friend’s mom’s car. However, Zack’s screw up is so blatant and unlike him, you need to disregard the “reality” of the show twice. In the episode 1-900-CRUSHED, Zack tries to start a 1-900 number in order to get rich quick. If you’re born after 1989, a 1-900 is a phone number that you would have to pay a per minute fee to call. There were various 1-900 numbers in the late 80’s and early 90’s ranging from Santa Claus greetings, video game tip lines, to phone sex.
Using Lisa’s uncanny ability to give out proper and appropriate dating advice (despite her only going out with Screech and Jessie’s dickhead brother during the run of the show) Zack starts a teen advice line. As time progresses Zack and Lisa’s dating line is so successful that there is no need for repeat clients calling in for more advice. This angers Zack who fires Lisa and begins to give bad advice in hopes of starting a “dilemma cycle” in which they would need to call again to remedy the original advice. One evening Kelly calls the teen line because she thinks Zack is cheating on her, due to him suddenly becoming non-committal from spending most of his free time working the teen line. At the same time Kelly’s sister calls into the teen line asking how she can try to break Zack and Kelly up. Zack then calls Lisa on how to deal with the Kapowski sisters simultaneously. After accidentally mixing up both lines, Zack inadvertently tells Kelly to screw off and then confesses his love to Kelly’s sister. Ever since I had the slightest idea of how these characters operated this scene makes no sense to me. Zack is supposedly the Wilt Chamberlain of Los Angeles and should therefore not even need to bother with Lisa’s obvious advice. I mean, even a guy like me who’s game comes from me acting like a naïve 13 year old would know to just be up front with Kelly right when she calls. Hell, I would have even asked if she wanted to work the teen line with me as some sort of date thing. Another thing that bothers me about this situation is how stupid Zack is up until they get back together. Perhaps this is why I hate Three’s Company and other stupid shows that follow this suspense formula, but many times the thing they’re hiding is so ridiculously stupid that the self-imposed agony of lying totally outweighs the humiliation of having to tell the truth.
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